Dads, Daughters and Words

Our family went hiking at the Wichita Mountains Wildlife Refuge over Spring Break. With temperatures in the high 80s and three well rested kiddos, we had a fantastic time. I learned something about each of my children. Abby loves to climb and is so busy in her head that she doesn't notice any of the dangers. This should not surprise me as she has always been single minded.

Bronwyn did not, did not, did not like the heights and needed lots of encouragement but she did it and she's proud of herself. As are we.

Elliot is a maniac on the rocks. That boy jumped from rock to rock like a billy goat. He was sure-footed and confident and fast. He said "cherries," if he got nervous and then promptly returned to jumping like a super hero through the saddle of rocks between two mountains.

On our second day we hiked a short distance to the forty foot hole so we could watch them jump into the very cold water in the ravine. There they collected snails and started a snail zoo, tried splashing, ate apples and enjoyed themselves to the fullest.

Another family hiked to the same location, a dad and his son and daughter. The son was about 13 and also confident, maybe overly so. He made me start a few times as I watched him clamber down the side of the rocky gulch rather too quickly. I was sure we were going to be calling EMS. I wondered briefly how that would be possible. The daughter stayed behind to snap photos of his exploits as he descended and ascended. Then she made it down. Dad came along behind slowly and without confidence. He made me nervous too, for other reasons.

When we were all standing at the bottom, watching the kids, he told us his son usually gets hurt when they hike. (Big suprise.) He said his knees are bad so he, "hikes like a girl." Instant hackles.

I had to ask him what he meant by that. He said that meant he hiked like me. He could only hope! At least I could do it upright. I dislike that metaphor as it is usually used as an insult. Hiking, or running, or throwing like a girl usually means one sucks at it. I was offended but he had another little nugget of misogyny for us.

This dad then said, "We bring his sister along so she can take pictures."

Oh, right, because clearly the daughter can't climb as well or be smart enough to observe her surroundings or enjoy herself. She was an afterthought. I politely walked away while hubby talked to him some more about where to go. I was furious.

Now, in all likelihood, he didn't really mean what he said. He meant his knees are bad so he's not as able as he used to be. He meant, his son enjoys this more than his daughter. My husband and I talked about this for a while. It got me thinking about how we talk to our girls.

But more it made me wonder about that little girl. She was probably 12 and heard her dad use her as a prop, a cast off, an afterthought. I wondered what she heard when he said that. Did she hear, "She is good at taking pictures." or did she hear, "He doesn't really want me here."

Of course, I don't know but it was a reminder that our words matter and our words have a life of their own once they wisp from our lips.

Sisters: Please

The book club I attend just finished our discussion of Nancy Horan's Loving Frank. The book is a fictionalized account of the love affair between married Mehmah Cheney and Frank Lloyd Wright, the famous architect. Roughly 10 women gathered to discuss the book and its tragic ending.

Set in the early 20th century, it focuses on the intensely difficult choices a married mother faced when thinking of leaving her marriage and children to pursue this affair. While I in no way sympathize with adultery, I was left feeling that its much deeper than black and white. In fact, I felt that this woman faced the same choices and struggles women are still facing today.

Back then, women were overtly objectified; they grew up, maybe went to school, married, had kids and made a home. That was it. Maybe they volunteered, maybe they had quaint artistic hobbies, but that was it, especially for women of a certain class. Working was discouraged, even frowned upon.

I find today's objectification much more subtle. The fact that companies still advertise car parts to men and cleaning products to women gets my panties in a bunch. My daughter, who happens to love spiders, dinosaurs and dragons, often laments the lack of t-shirts with those things on them for girls. (We buy for her in the "boys" department if we have to.) Barbie, the symbol of all that is traditionally (and distorted) feminine just celebrated 50 years.

And women still ask themselves if they are making the right choices. Should I marry? Should I have kids? When I have kids, do I stay at home, giving up all I have worked for to stay home with them, or do I return to work outside the home? Which is better?

Many people have pontificated on this issue and they all claim to be experts. Books are written, studies are done, children are questioned, surveys are circulated. But just like Mehmah Cheney, is it really that easy? Is there a one size fits all answer for how we live our lives.

Clearly not; just look around. The variety available to women is staggering. So why don't women give each other and themselves the right to make their own choices. The most divisive thing we can do is fail to support each other. (This starts in middle school, but that's for another day.) When I hear a mom criticize another mom for her life choices I feel angry. What right do I have to dictate how another person should live her life?

As I have aged, my views on this and many other things have altered, which I suppose indicates growth. I used to think it was easy; you just have your kids and give them all. Wow is that hard. On the other hand, my sister returned to work shortly after her first was born. Wow is that hard.

You see? We are all doing hard work. We are all trying to make the best choices for our families. We simply have to get to the place where we are okay with difference. So Mehmah Cheney, in the book anyway, had to decide between a more artistic life outside of her marriage and with a married man and giving up herself to stay with her husband and children. Could she have lived a fulfilling life within her marriage? I don't know. And was leaving her husband really the best alternative? Was what she gained worth what she surrendered?

It was the public animosity that staggered her; and it is what tears us down still. We don't need so called experts to tell us what our kids need, if we are paying attention to them. We don't need some stranger to tell us that one choice is better than another. What we do need, though, is a community of women willing to accept all the different choices we can make in life.

Then we can teach our daughters, and our sons, that women can buy car parts and men can clean toilets, we can show them that the sky is the limit, we can teach them that there is no such thing as man's work and women's work. Isn't that they kind of world you want your kids to inherit?

Drum Roll Please

Claire from Bisou Bisou Beads is the winner! She posted a very kind comment and now gets to pick out a dog collar for her pup.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=20783967

I also have red dot and black check....


Thanks for playing.

Do This Today

Go visit my friend Kristin's blog. She is a beautiful woman with beautiful insight.

Halfway to Normal. Go.

Get. Right now. Get over there.

A Little Friday Morning Bible Study

Our small group is studying the book of John. I'm fascinated by this guy, whom many think was Jesus' favorite. In combing through the first chapter this morning, I found some interesting tidbits.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning." John 1:1

This is one of the most quoted, and I think most complex, passages in Scripture. I am no Bible Scholar so just take this as one woman's eyes and ears and heart and mind. Just that first verse is so full of metaphor and meaning.

According to Strong's Concordance, the word beginning refers to the origin, the active cause, the first person or thing in a series. If we take that to be true, then when John starts his book "In the beginning," he is calling to mind the origins not just our faith but of the world we live in. The other gospels tend to be narrative while John's starts with a reflective look at this history of faith. In one phrase.

What was in the beginning? The Word. Huh? How can the Word be in the beginning? What is the Word and why is it important? And what's with the capital letter? Again, with Strong's as my source, word is that which is uttered by a living voice, or "the essential Word of God."

Wait. What?

Is John saying words existed in the beginning? John is referring here to Jesus, the Word of God, who was called into life the way the rest of the world was called into being: by his uttered breath. Anyone else think that's cool? And let us not miss the point that as it was "in the beginning" and essentially of God, then it (the Word) carries with it the same authority and holiness as the breath that uttered it into life.

I will spare you my own application of this verse, but thought you might like chewing on that for a while.

Another interesting part of this early part of this chapter is the contrast between light and dark. And while we think we know the difference between dark and light, a look to the concordance elucidates (you heard me) this point. Light is the literal emission of light from a light giving object, but Strong's also says that it is used of God as "delicate, subtle, pure, brilliant." (Sidenote here: I do not usually think of light as delicate, neither do I think of God that way, so there's that.) Light can refer to truth and knowledge and also spiritual purity, and finally the power of understanding.

So, if one is in the light, then one is exposed to understanding, purity, brilliance, and power. It begs the obvious question about its opposite.

Darkness is defined as lack of light. I love definitions like that. Duh. But it's more than that. It refers to ignorance of divine things, and also those things which are related to "wickedness." Oooohh. Sounds bad, right?

Parsing it out, it paints a vibrant picture. Live in the light and be granted access to all those things Christians are pursuing. And you know, even a tiny pinprick of light is still light.

Whirling Dervish

Also finished this sweet little piece. Want it?

Prairie Girl

Living in Oklahoma, all students study this history of the state. For our kids, this is in third grade and it is by far my favorite unit. When our eldest was in 3rd, they visited the Harn Homestead and took their lunches in tin pails. Before she went, we made a loaf of whole wheat bread and wrapped it in fabric to share with the class.

I may do this again for middle girl, and this time we want to include a jar of cream the students can shake on the bus to turn to butter.

I also love sewing their "Little House on the Prairie" dresses. The bonnets alone are enough to make me smile.

I did two others for classmates this year. Here is Syd's.

I'm not sure why I love this unit so. Maybe because I didn't grow up in this state, finally learning what Boomer Sooner meant was a relief. I am not a pioneer kind of girl, but there is something sort of tactile and intriguing about how early settlers lived their lives and furnished their homes that fascinates me.