Can I Ask You a Question?

Today's post is written by my great friend, Cyndi. She is an incredibly talented photographer with an artistic, funky eye. Her graphic designs are amazing. Check her out. She taught herself to crochet and now she whips up sweaters for her dog, Betty. She is a Steelers fan, a loyal friend, a careful reader and a woman carving out her life, just like the rest of us. Say hi to Cyndi and hear what's on her mind.


I've spent a lot of time deep in thought lately about the meaningfulness of me. Yeah. Trying to find who I am and what "I" mean to those I love and care about. Much of this search for meaning is anchored in my never ending search of figuring out who I am. I've become entangled with a crisis of identity that never seems to get resolved.

Sometimes I am convinced it has passed. But like those missing pairs of socks that turn up after you used its mate to dust and polish furniture? Or the flip flop you thought went to that black hole where all unmated flip flops go until you discover it vacationing in the back of your closet? I realize it is there. Waiting. Ready to zap the badda from my bing. The ying from my yang. The hunky from my dorry.

The other day I had a conversation with a friend about the worth of our friendship, all the while trying to find out the answer to that question I think we are often afraid to ask of those we care about---'What, if anything, do I mean to you?' Hard question to come straight out and ask, so we hide it in 'safe' prompts and take the easy way.

At least I do...

When was the last time you had the guts to just come out and ask a friend or someone you love 'do I mean anything at all to you?' Because sometimes, especially when friendships and relationships of significance start depleting you emotionally, isn't that the question we really want to ask?

I think so...

Don't we sometimes just want to know if our emotional energy is worth it for a friend?

I think so...

Or do we shy away from asking because the answer might not be what we want to hear?

I think so...

Is this fear of truth in the answer holding us back?

I think so...

So in a round-about-beating-around-the-bush way, I asked my friend. And this is how it turned out:

Me: "If you had never met me & I wasn't in your life would you be better, more happy?"

Friend: "That's an odd question. I would be the same as I am now."

Obviously that wasn't the answer I wanted. But then again, I didn't ask the tough question. I asked the safe question.

I'm such a wimp...

Affirmation of my meaning in relation to those I love is what makes me get out of bed on days when all I want to do is sleep away the pain & sadness of not knowing who I am & what I mean to be here on this earth at all.

My identity is sadly defined in many ways by what others think of me and feel for me.

I'm such a loser....

I don't think I'm alone in this thinking. I know many women who define themselves via their husbands & how he treats them, their children & how they treat them & in their friends & how they engage & relate with them.

I'm one of those women...

Asking my friend that question made me have a "Come to Jesus" moment with myself.

I'm such a cliché...

If I invest myself emotionally in a friend I want to know that I meant enough to make some kind of difference to help make their life happy & rich because they knew me and for my having genuinely cared about them. Why? Because friendships and relationships are so wrapped up in how I view myself.

I'm so needy...

But the next time, if there ever is a next time, I see this friend in person? I'm gonna ask the tough question. In person. So I can't hide behind the text in a message. So I can see face to face what I mean, if anything at all.

I'm so gonna be brave...